[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You Might Also Like
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”