her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.