I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.