Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
You Might Also Like
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.