Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.