You Might Also Like
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I have many caverns
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
No laws when master is gone
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Why is everyone getting married at me
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.