“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.