When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Swedish for common sense.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems