ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Well, that didn’t work.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I really had high hopes for this year though
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’