My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??