A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
58.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?