All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Baking is just science you can eat.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.