If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂