Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.