therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The Backseat Boys
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”