Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You Might Also Like
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
This kid is going places
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs