I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing