Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You Might Also Like
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
shampoo implies shampee
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly