KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
my proudest tweet
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.