If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I have never related to a cat more
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’