Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
welp
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]