Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
house sitting!
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW