If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
it’s the silliest best thing
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Spider-cat: No One Home
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My circle of trust is a meatball
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.