him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Risking my life for fun.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*