[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”