Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Worst Native American name ever.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials