The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately