I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Death certificates are our last participation award.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”