Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
The Onion called it…again.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.