me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book