Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.