Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
You Might Also Like
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
All is fair in drunk and war.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…