We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot