He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.