This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
🤔😂😂
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
How dude HOW?!
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.