YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?