Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You Might Also Like
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Wise advice
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
starting a garage orchestra
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Children of the corn 🌽
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur