Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
relationship goals
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Well, that didn’t work.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”