Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.