What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.