There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
what it’s like dating me:
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*