[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”