The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
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Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I’m too immature for adultery.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
me and my fake scenarios
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.