My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…