I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.