What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.