CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.