If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs