My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.