It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect